Put off your Mask

Have you ever felt being beside yourself sometimes ? It just occur to me that in life you have to go through on different phase and thus you let out different side of yourself respond to each of this situation accordingly. Sometime you put on a smile when you don't feel like it, sometime you seem sad when your thought was just away, sometime you put out happy face when your heart is actually sinking, sometime you have an angry glare while in fact you don't have any intention to...sometime you just put a mask to your face....

"Do you ever get that feeling where you don’t want to talk to anybody? You don’t want to smile and you don’t want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don’t know exactly what’s wrong either. There isn’t a way to explain it to someone who doesn’t already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being along never was. At least when you’re alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isn’t anyone who won’t take ‘I don’t know’ for an answer. You feel the way you do just because you hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait."  via atomos

"If you spent ur life concentrating on 

what everyone else thought of you…

would you forget who you really were ? 

What if the face you showed the world turned out 

to be a mask..with nothing beneath it ?"

-Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult-

"The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first." -Jim Morrison- via blog-therevolution

"Because when you know who you are, you know what you want. You do not preoccupy yourself with things that do not burden or stir your heart and that marks the beginning of a dance with a big beautiful thing known as purpose. Purpose is not occupation or prestige or glamor. Purpose is fulfilling what you were designed to do. It’s really simple: just be yourself. Be yourself, excellently." via- Now Here, Everyday Isa

Where do we go ?

I have been humming a song this past days I can't seem to escape it. It's an old song from Diana Ross, Do you know where you're going to ? I remember this song was a background soundtrack of one of the coffee TVC I saw on the 1990's. Every song tells a story and that song is about a woman who's facing a troubled future.  The lyrics goes :

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to? do you know?
Do you get what you're hoping for?
When you look behind you there's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know?

Once we were standing still in time
Chasing the fantasies that filled our minds
You knew i loved you, but my spirit was free
Laughing at the question that you once ask me

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to? do you know?

Now, looking back in all we pass
We've let so many dreams just slip through our hands
Why must we wait so long before we see
How sad the answers to those questions can be?

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to? do you know?
Do you get what you're hoping for?
When you look behind you there's no open door
What are you hoping for? do you know? 
via lyrics007

I like the lyrics because of the questions that one point of time in your life you would ask to yourself. Do you really like the things that life is showing you ? Have you ever thought of that ? I look around and count all the blessing I have and felt grateful for them. But still questions will always pops in my head...What are you hoping for ? Do you know ?

I walked through one street in Berlin and saw this graffiti on a giant wall, and thought of how true is this question...

How long is now ? How long are you going to wait ? Why must we wait so long before we see ? Why so many questions has been troubling our head when in the end we know how sad the answers to those questions would be. The best thing to do is stop asking so many questions and just go with your flow. How long is now ? Now is here, today.

"This is your life. Do what you love, and do it often. If you don’t like something, change it. If you don’t like your job, quit. If you don’t have enough time, stop watching TV. If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love. Stop over analyzing, all emotions are beautiful. Life is simple. When you eat, appreciate every last bite. Travel often; getting lost will help you find yourself. Some opportunities come only once, seize them. Life is about the people you meet, and the things you create with them so go out and start creating. Life is short. Live your dream and wear your passion." source : thelittledinosaur via kriminalromantic

Blue Terrace

When I went to Jakarta last March, I took this picture from my apartment. I found it cute, a blue terrace on someone balcony among that tin roof. I would imagine the owner sit on that green chair just for the sake to get some air from overly humid weather. Thought this terrace is unique because it's stand out from its surrounding.

While posting this, I stumbled on one website with a beautiful poem :

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese,
harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

"Wild Geese" by Mary Oliver

Then a quick thought seeped into my head, no more temptation to be good, like that blue terrace above.. it is not afraid to be fifferent from others, just be yourself no matter what they say. Well I guess it's time to sleep now.. it's 1 AM in DA....g'nite all..

Are you tempted ?

One morning I was walking on the Oranienburger Strasse in Berlin 

and saw this advertisement, posted on a wall.

I was attracted to the tagline "Temptation To Be Good". I didn't know what advertisement it was until later on I google it and found that it is meant for a painting exhibition in one of Berlin Art Gallery by Mercedes Helnwein. Now that I read more information about her, I am starting to admire her works of stunning expressive female subjects.

As I walked after I saw this advertisement that day, I was struck to think that even in doing good things we are sometimes tempted to do so. I am reflecting this to my situation right now that when I am about to make a decision I always counting of the good deeds that would follow, which somehow in a way frustrating me. I think I would envy people who can freely opt to do things without considering the result of their action in a good way.

This is why, when I go blog-walking tonight I saw this on the post of That kind of Woman tumblr , it made sense to me that somehow other people might have the same situation like me. This is what the question on that tumblr :

Q : yieldofthemind asked: It seems as though you want to run away from life.  Why is that?  Why are you dissatisfied? And don't worry about being dissatisfied or people thinking that you're  ungrateful.  It's alright to be dissatisfied with even the most opulent  of lives, so you shouldn't feel bad about it.

A : thatkindofwoman : I am not necessarily dissatisfied, I just know that I have so  much I want to do, but I have to practice patience. So, I take the  opportunity now to change the things I can to have more opportunities in  the future

I hope you know what I mean, that answer is related to what I felt at this moment, it's a temptation to be good...to do good.

"As you’re reading this, your life’s getting shorter. It’s ticking away. I’m not saying this to frighten you. Or even scare you. Though it may. I’m saying this to awaken you. To inspire you. To rise you out of your deep slumber. To really know you won’t live forever. To share your unique gifts. To ignite your great inner fire. To ignite your great inner strength. To ignite your great inner light. To shine. Brightly shine. To awaken your great inner beauty. To motivate. Yourself and others. To love. Yourself and others. To paint. To write. To teach. To innovate. To sing. To dance. To care. To feel. To listen. To learn. To laugh. The clock’s ticking. The world needs you. Make your move." Mike Litman (via melancholicsoul)

Words on the window

What is writers block..I don't know..all I know that lately I am having difficulty to write my thoughts on my blog..or just simply to get them out of my head. Then, I went for a walk and saw these words on one of the shopping windows I passed by. There..words that has been stuck on my head, somebody spilled them out of me.

Now I believe that.. some people can really read your mind...

Have a happy long weekend !!

if u could see me..now.

So what are you planning to do this weekend...Monday is a day away..don't even think about it..

I thought of refurbished my tiny garden in my balcony, it is totally a mess because all the plants dried out and smashed by the frozen snow. I already saw some green leaves about to grow.. I better clean up the rubbish so by the time spring is here, they grow in orderly...as I wrote this post..my thoughts are away....

I have been reading some books that I borrowed from the library these days. I just finished reading one of Cecilia Ahern (yes I'm her big fan) titled " If you could see me now". As usual, words and characters from her books couldn't be shake from my head for days, those sentences would lingered and haunted me until I wrote down in my journey books just for the sake of not losing them. Like this one here, makes me wonder..has anyone have ever felt like this before ?

"In situations that were totally unrelated to her, I would think of her and she would become part of the scenario, I would suddenly wonder what she would think, how would she feel, what would she do or say if she was with me. That was all part of giving someone a piece of your heart; they ended up taking a whole chunk of your mind and reserving it all for themselves."

She wrote it very clearly how a broken hearted must sound..in silence. It just stunned me of how true it is..

"When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound. When a window shattters, a table leg breaks, or a picture falls off the wall, it makes a noise. But as for your heart, when that breaks, it’s completely silent. You would think as it’s so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world or even have some sort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a cymbal or the ringing of a bell. But it’s silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain.

If there is a noise, it’s internal. It screams and no one can hear it but you. It screams so loudly your ears ring and your head aches. It trashes around in your chest like a great white caught in the sea, it roars like a mother bear whose cub has been taken. That’s what it looks like and that’s what it sounds like, a thrashing, panicking, trapped, great big beast, roaring like a prisoner to its own emotions. But that’s the thing about love; no one is untouchable.It’s as wild as that, as raw as an open flesh wound exposed to salty sea water, but when it actually breaks, it’s silent, you’re just screaming on the inside and no one can hear it.

But....she saw the heartbreak in me and I saw it in her, and without having to talk abour it we both knew. It was time to stop walking with our heads in clouds and instead, keep our feet on the harder soil of ground level we should always have been rooted to."

Yep, those words have been haunted me for days...can't seem to escape.. 

hope u have a great weekend !!

bye bye 2010..

Dear 2011,

Please be gentle with human kind this year, no more natural disaster, we had a lot of that on 2010, thank you very much. Please be kind to us, we really want to enjoy the ride of 2011 and to mark your year as the best year ever.

I promise I will be a better person this year, I will think carefully of plan I would make this year and all of those useless resolutions I throw them away already. This year I won't target anything higher than my expectations, I will just simply go with your flow...but please take me to a better day...

Goodbye 2010, so many memories I held inside my heart...and all those tears I cried, I have no regrest for them. Thank you for giving me one good year, it was not my best year, but I am blessing all the things that had happened to me, I know it would only made me a better person next year. So long 2010, welcome 2011..

More than words..

It's 3 am in DA, something awake me and I can not get back to sleep...(and no..counting sheep won't help..*wink). A lot of things are going on in my world this week, my husband graduation, family visit, this and that as usual.

I went to the cinema yesterday and watched Eat, Love and Pray. I have anticipated to see this movie since last year as I already read the book and met Ketut Liyer in Bali. I have always like quotes and words, in this movie there are several quotes that catch my senses. The first one is when Liz was writing an email to David explaining about their relationship and Rome, she wrote :

"Ruins is good..

Ruins is the road to transformation.."

It got me thinking somehow that sometime we are afraid of change, we are afraid to build something out of ruins..something out of our mess. Sometime we are afraid to face our ruins and prefer to walk away. For the first time I agreed with Liz Gilbert, ruin is good, sometime when everything is falling apart, we have the courage to stand up and start something new and rebuild our own life. I know there are moments that we are so afraid of losing our balance..and this is why I like the second quote in this movie from Ketut Liyer when he said to Liz :

"Losing balance into love is like

living (keeping) balance alive.."

(i hope i heard those sentence right, please correct shall you know better)

What do you think ? I always thought that quotes and words that people wrote can really touch your mind and soul. Like this writing below, it is written on windows of a cafe in Hofgasse street, Linz, Austria, in front of a house where Amadeus Mozart once lived. 

I stare at those writing and imagine why the person wrote that on the window. I love to see unexpected quotes when I am travelling, it can get me thinking of those words until the rest of the day. The same goes with quote that I saw on the wall of underground station in Vienna :

"Art washes away 
from your soul
the dust of everyday life"

-Pablo Picasso-

Do you agree with him ?

Dine Out

Nothing beats dinner with friends !! After I went out with my girls, feels like am recharging my batteries. We had fun having dinner at Domain, Senayan City. The place is cozy and not too crowded, the music is not too loud and the food is great ! I had a recommended Chicken Zurichese with creamy mushroom sauce. for my main course..it was so yummy especially if you add a little bit of dry chillies on it.

Butternut Jelly Martini

We also tried some of the chef special dessert which are black forest crepes and chocolate melt. But the best dishes of all is the stories passed between us and so much laughter, I don't  even remember what we were giggling about. Because for us it is very difficult to meet oftenly, due to our own activities. Especially when the venue is at downtown Jakarta which means that you have to battle after office hour 's traffic jam. But it' was all worth it.

"Friendship : No goodbyes, No farewells
Just a promise that no matter what happens
it will always be forever."

-SMS - ihatequotes-

I LOVE U, Girls...

(all photos by Srini)

Lonely Tree

Something gloomy about today. I don't know why. Perhaps the weather makes my mood sour. Perhaps all those pansus drama playing nonstop on TV or those nonsense sinetron that makes you wonder what is real at this moment...perhaps..

I was in my car outside Jakarta when I passed this lonely tree. It made me stop somehow and took a picture of it. It resembled so much pain..this tree. So much loneliness and helpless feeling. I wonder what happened to that solitary tree ? only branches without leaves...

Got stumbled on several quotes about tree...somehow I could not decide... I don't know which one would describe this old tree..perhaps it could explain our somber mood these days..it could explain why we are feeling lost..out of direction of our nation today..

"What we are doing to the forests of the world is but a mirror reflection of what we are doing to ourselves and to one another." - Mahatma Gandhi

"A nation that destroys its soils destroys itself. Forests are the lungs of our land, purifying the air and giving fresh strength to our people. " — Franklin D. Roosevelt

“One generation plants the trees, and another gets the shade”. Chinese proverb

"Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps a singing bird will come."- Chinese proverb

"Life without love is like a tree without blossom and fruit."- Khalil Gibran

(via quotesdaddy.com, Gardendigest.com, goodreads.com)

Gotta Hang on 'til tomorrow

Whenever I feel low, I used to listen to song that always lift up my mood. One of my favorite song is a soundtrack from my favorite movie that I saw when I was just 5 years old called "Annie". But it's a timeless movie and I love the song and the lyrics that Annie sang, I post the lyrics here so perhaps it will refresh your memory if you had seen this movie too or perhaps the song-lyrics could lift up your mood too whenever low tide is about to wash away your day. Cheers !!

The sun will come out, tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar that tomrrow,
there'll be sun
Just thinking about, tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow,
Til there's none.

When im stuck with the day, thats grey, and lonely,
I just stick out my chin and grin and say,

The sun will come out, tomorrow
So you gotta hang on til tomorrow,
Come what may,
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I luv ya, tomorrow
You're always a day away

Rustic things

I have always very fond of rustic things. I love to see a used cupboard being redecorate or an old fashion sofa is being refurnished. Something like that. My favorite TV show is Rachel Ashwell's Shabby Chic program, where this lady went to a fleamarket to find old furniture and they would repair it and décor it to someone house/apartment.

As years passed I have been an observer of people's interior decoration. I like going to people house and see how they decorate their place of living. I like to see that they mixed good old things with new modern furniture and blend it warmly. I think what the most important thing is you safe your budget for decorating your house but it still look fancy in your own way. Simply creative is the right word.

Anyway couple months ago I stumbled into one of my girlfriend house, actually it is a compartment on a second floor of their grand mother house and the compartment is around 60 m2. They have decorate it tastefully. Blending all their rustic things old and new into a very creative interior decoration.

I would like to share pictures that I took of their furniture and home decorations (I took lots of them and they give me permission to publish this on my blog..hehe..well actually I am half begging them..glek).However I can't seem to load more than 3 pics..I wonder why..Anyway..hope u enjoy them too !!


Look at this drawer..it was repainted and its definetely useful.


Children bedroom painted in fun colors


Love this mirror

I wish I could upload some more picture..hhhh...

For My Bestfriends

I have been through so many ups and down on the last six months. But somehow God works in his miraculous way to get me through those time unharmed. God sent me so many friends to cheer me up and accompany my lonely days and night that I don't even have time to be sad...

God sent me friends who would pick me up when I'm lonely and took me to see movies or sometimes only to have breakfast. God even sent me friends who would talk to me and listen to my worries through facebook and YM for a simple chat and sharing a laughter.....in some way I have lots of opportunity to be close to those friends, to get to know them better after all these years, sharing their pain, their dreams, their wishes and their loneliness too..I couldn't get through those period of life soo happy without their support...

Now I have to leave them, I really want them to know how I feel, how they hold special places in my heart, how I pray for their happiness and wish them they could find someone who could replace me..to accompany them seeing movies, chit-chatting for nothing, dine-out, brunch-in or just driving along d street with nowhere to go. This writing piece is for them so they know that I'll be with them all the way..always..

“If you're left feet hurt, my right feet will sore too..
If a knife stab your chest, my heart will bleed too.”
(quoted from shanghai baby)

Hear Me Out

I found a piece of paper last night on our dinner table, that paper is belong to my mom. What written in it was a poem...a beautiful one. I would like to share it with you, because it got me thinking somehow..hope you like it too :

Listening

Listen
When I ask you to listen to me and
you start giving me advice...
you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and
you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way..
you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me and
you feel you have to do something to solve my problems..
you have failed me, strange as that may be..

Perhaps that's why prayer works for some people
Because..God is silent
He doesn't offer advice..or try to fix things
He just listens and trusts you to work it out for yourself

So please, just listen and hear me.
And, if you want to talk, wait a few minutes for your turn
and..I promise..
I will listen to you.
(Anonymous from the book Children in Crises)

This piece of poem..reminds me to listen to other people more
rather than talk all the time.While I know silence is golden..I prefer say little is more appropriate for my character..(*wink)...Because I like to share things with people, I like exchanging stories with friends and families..I like chit chat-ing about nothing...however I do agree of one thing :
"if you can't say something nice to others, then say nothing at all"
(quoted from thumper's mom, in Bambi d movie).

Rindu

A little while a go I met families from my grandmother's side. It was a rare opportunity to meet with that part of the family. My grandmother died when my mom was just 5 years old. We only visited her sister, the late Eyang Darti and her sister in law Eyang M on Idul Fitri day.

My mother and I seldom discuss about my grandma, Sugiarti. Once we talked about her, my mother memories went to her childhood phase where she remembered on how every weekend they spent sometime in the family's villa in Tugu, Puncak. She remembers that her mother loves to plant flowers, there was once a bed of roses in the garden and all of the plants were labeled and named by its botanical name. Every month all the ducklings and chicken were vaccinated in Bogor to be kept healthy.

There is an interesting tale that my mother told me about a wise man, Eyang Sos, whom my grandma's would visit every month or so. Eyang Sos was my grandma's adoptive father. He was the one who sent her to study in Netherlands long time before he met my grandfather. At that time Eyang Sos was one of the few people who had studied and lived in Europe for 26 years, he brought back thoughts and lifestyle that was not common back then in Indonesia. He inspired my grandma and influence her perspective on life.

Last April we went to London and met the author of my grandfather's biography. We sat for hours and listen to all the stories of my grandmother that the author knows of. It seems like I never had enough of it..it seems like I wanted to hear those stories repeated over and over again. It's like having an empty bowl and an empty hole in your heart..craving to be fill in by something....This is the first time I felt this way of someone I never knew and perhaps this feeling is what people call Rindu.

Mixed Feelings

I woke up too early this morning, 3 am. I used to have early breakfast for my fasting rituals, however today I felt like I don't have the energy to fast. The alarm clock in my room seems to tick a little bit louder than usual...tick..tick..tick...60 minutes before it beeps for the morning prayer. I didn't know what to do, so I had my tahajud prayer.

I couldn't describe the feeling I have today, it's a mixture of emotions and memories....of my uncle funeral....of feeling lost of someone you know...of wonders what future might brings...of things done in the past..

How it feels to be left after your funeral, inside the grave, dark, cold and lonely...i wonder..
Your companion is only your good deeds when you're still alive...and all the good acts you have done in the past. People will remember you always for things you have done for them..for smile you shared with them....for time you traveled with them...for stories you created with them...

Life is too short they say...are we living our life wisely ? Have I done something useful for myself ? for others ? Have I travel to the right place ? Have I seen the world already ? Have I seen enough ? Have I say something nice to others ? Have I apologize for my misbehave ?

Time is ticking but is not running out for me...my alarm beeps..the morning prayer calls..I had my morning prayer...afterwards I took my qur'an and read a passage of Ar-rahman (qsa 55 : 13)....”Then which of the favours of your Lord will ye deny?”.. tears fell off my face..

“Lord grant me firm intentions...unwavering resolutions..Lord..I ask only for what is good”(Muhammad SAW prayer quoted from 1001 nights)

Women's Heart

Event occurs in my life recently show how women's heart can overcome almost anything. Women's heart can not be measured by any shape... for it is big enough to welcome and let go whatever come and go in her life. It can survive numerous stab even soothe a wound in others..

A friend going through her divorce, a friend lost her loved ones, delivers a child or even celebrates her freedom...

They never cease to amaze me how they carry themselves throughout trying periods in their life...whenever they fall, they pick themselves up and continue their live, even when they are not sure of which directions they should go...

Most importantly, women's heart are always hopeful of another bright day, willing to share and offers support to whoever come and go in their life...and that's an achievement that we, women should be proud of....

Message from Noah

Sejak anak saya mulai suka nonton DVD, hari - hari kami dipenuhi berbagai macam tontonan DVD. Tentunya saya pilihkan hanya film yang baik untuk anak seusianya. Karena anak saya pencinta berbagai macam binatang, jadilah film yang ditonton temanya tidak jauh dari binatang.

Kadang ada film yang sangat ia sukai, bisa diputar sampai berulang ulang dalam sebulan. Saya membatasinya hanya 2 jam sehari menonton DVD, selebihnya main apapun termasuk membongkar pasang semua mainannya. Satu film yang menggugah hati saya dan sampai saat ini menimbulkan tanda tanya dalam hati saya adalah mengapa anak saya suka sekali dengan film Noah's Ark.

Beberapa adegannya ada yg membuat saya sedikit takut dan khawatir kalau ia mencontohnya, namun bukan bagian tersebut yg menjadi favoritnya. Karena sering sekali menonton film ini, saya sampai hafal dialognya. Ada sebuah dialog yang sangat membekas dalam pikiran saya, ketika Noah menasehati anaknya untuk tidak men"dewa'kan uang. Begini petikan kalimatnya ketika sang anak memprotes ayahnya bahwa ia sudah bekerja cukup keras namun hasil yang didapat tidak seberapa. Sang anak juga mempertanyakan mengapa Noah tidak menebang semua pohon di dalam hutan yang mereka tinggali dan menjual kayunya untuk menambah penghasilan keluarga, begini jawaban Noah :

"Have we bother anyone ? Have we hurt anybody ? Is anybody suffering on account of us ? If it's not, then we are not doing so badly....It's not always about money, what's more important is we stay together as a family...

"My father and my grandfather planted all of the trees, when I am in the forest I can feel they are with me, watching me..."

Seberapa sering kita coba merenungi, demi uang manusia menebang pohon, menghancurkan warisan para leluhur demi keserakahannya. Betapa sering kita tidak sadar kalau ada perilaku kita ataupun ucapan kita yang menyakiti orang lain, tanpa kita sadari hasil perbuatan kita menimbulkan penderitaan bagi orang lain.Mencari penghidupan bagi diri sendiri dan keluarga memang pentig, tapi menjaga keharmonisan hubungan, menjaga perasaan orang lain dan menepiskan rasa selalu ingin menguasai juga tak kalah pentingnya dalam kehidupan kita.

Poetry in Motion

Yesterday I was looking for something in my music box (a box where I put small important things for e.g movie tickets of our first date, etc) and found a piece of important paper. What had been written on that paper brought back my memories to year 1995, when I was 18 years old. At that time I read a book "Taj" by TN Murari about love story between Arjumand (mumtaz mahal) and Shah Jahan the legendary King who built a tomb for his beloved wife, The Taj Mahal. It has been one of my favorite books of all times.

That book moved me in so many ways especially whenever I have doubt that I will ever find someone to love, you know the kind of doubt that makes you wonder whether you will find your true love, your soul mate or be doomed for the rest of your life.I hope when you read these words, you too will be inspired and have faith in love like Arjumand did.Followed are Arjumand thoughts and words that I hold very dear in my heart.

"Love come soft and slowly, it did not strike like a thunderbolt...
Yet what I love is not visible, it was contained within...
For love are such monstrous undertaken, If one could die for wanting something..
Could not one also kill to attain it ?

When I sleep, I dream I am awake and when awake I can only dream of him..
He moves where no one had entered and non other ever would..
How without love could trust exist ?
I dream helplessly and feel like I am in an existence...
which I didn't know whether I am alive or in another world

Will his eyes change ? Will his touch change ?
Will his smiles change ? Will his heart change ?

The world holds no interest for me without him...
even the world shrivels and dies, people disappeared..and only he remains".

Fancy Words

I have always been very fond of words ever since I was teenagers. I wrote them in my notes, beautiful words from the book that I read, or from quotes that I heard and sometimes I could spent hours in the greetings cards section whenever I went shopping in PIM. I used to look thoroughly each words written on those cards, it could be birthday cards, sympathy cards, friendship cards, thank you cards, or just cards that people send for no special occasion or specific reason.

..and you know what ? Sometimes I bought cards without even know to whom or when should I send them. So I piled them inside my special boxes, waiting for the right moment and in hope that I could hand them to the right person. I want to share one special card that I kept for years and I gave it to my husband a day before our wedding ceremony.

"One Moment" to You from Me

I was going to send you a card with long letter inside that said the sky is okay here and I saw someone today who reminds me of you and also got yelled at once and smile at a couple of times and I made new friend and lost another one and my dog is doing fine.

But cards end up under plastic refrigerators magnets or taped to walls. And I didn't want us taped to some wall. What I really wanted was to drive by your house and see the light on or sit with you under a tree or walk beside you down a long path when we didn't know where it was going and didn't mind.

But I can't send you those things, so instead I'm giving you this pocket-memory that you can take with you anywhere. You remember smiles and hugs even when the person's not there and if those smiles and hugs were words, then you'd remember what they said. This card is like that.

Right now there are two people having one of our moments somewhere. They're sitting there on top of a hill or in a car or on a living room sofa, not saying much at all, but understanding the silent space."Look" it says, or "I'm here", or "I understand", or I think you're pretty okay".

Maybe they're holding hands, even listening to their favorite song, watching the same patch of sky. So they've got geography, backyard barbecues, "together" whenever they want, picket fences.... We've got forever.